I Get A Belt Out Of You

The baggy pants controversy has arrived in Johnson City. The television news reported this morning that there may be attempts to outlaw baggy pants as obscene. While I am no fan of the fad, I want to come to the defense of these beltless bad boys.

If we stop and think for just a minute we will see that such a law would be very bad. There are benefits to this floppy fashion that many people are overlooking.Benefits of the Droopy Drawer Dysfunction:

1. Immediate Recognition: At a glance I can tell how bright a person is. I know this is prejudicial and bigoted, but before you protest ask yourself if you don't do the same thing. Would you buy a used car from a guy whose underwear is more visible than his eyes? No. You wouldn't.
   
2. No Tight Pants Expectations: Fashions have a way of spilling over by degree. When I was young tight pants were all the rage. Even our teachers were snug in some ... ahem ... uncomfortable places. Then the babyboomers gained a few pounds and needed a "skoatch more room" in their Levis. I like that it's fashionable to have more room in my britches. If I have to choose between wearing loose fit jeans and tight, white, disco pants you're going to wish baggy-pant fashion was back.
3. Law Enforcement: Baggy pants make it easier for ne'er-do-wells to hide weapons from police officers, but I'm guessing the police have pretty much figured that out. On the other hand, running from the police has an added level of difficulty when your pants are around knees. Again ... you have to wonder how smart some of baggy pants criminals are. Also, I suspect that finding the gun in their caverness pockets is no small task. By the time Crack-Thaw McGraw pulls the gun out of his pants the police will have the drop on him. Trust me.
   
4. Just the Thugs?: And now we get to the most difficult aspect of this law. If we outlaw baggy pants only outlaws will have baggy pants. Are we going to apply the law only to those who are fashionably baggy? What about middle-aged white guys who really should get bigger pants and a stronger belt? I grew up on the construction site and the fines that the police would have been forced to levy would erase the national debt.

I know baggy-panted boys can be annoying but outlawing this fashion is overkill. Relax, law makers. I would prefer you demand a sidewalk be built on South Roan so that women pushing strollers and old people in wheel chairs on their way to the grocery store don't have to be IN THE STREET.