The Mother of All Doubts

Mother Teresa had doubts. I heard the news and was surprised. Then I was embarrassed. Of course Mother Teresa had doubts. Why wouldn't she?

I hesitate to post anything on this topic because I write out of ignorance. I don't know to what degree she doubted. I haven't read her journals, her biography, nor have I ever seen her interviewed (except for one short snippet on television a few years ago). I'm sure there is a lot of mythology that has developed around her and I've never taken the time to separate fact from fiction as it regards her life and ministry.

After thinking about it for only a little bit, though, I realized there were plenty of reasons I should have assumed Mother Teresa had doubts about God.

1. She devoted her life to a "lost" cause. She knew she couldn't end all human suffering but she worked at it anyway. That means she knew her work would be tough going.

When I went into the ministry I was told I had a difficult calling. I didn't realize how difficult. I just saw something grand and beautiful in it. I can tell you now that I got more than I bargained for. Neither the work nor the weird hours makes ministry difficult, it's the feeling at the end of long stretches of pouring yourself out, when you've done all you can do and, somehow, nothing seems to change.

If I sometimes feel that way in my posh, East Tennessee existence, I suppose we can allow Mother Teresa to feel that way when she spends decade after decade serving the poor and the dying--only to find that tomorrow will be exactly the same. If Mother Teresa had romantic feelings about that task at the beginning of her calling, those feelings could not have lasted very long. It's just the nature of serving God. Ask Paul. Ask Peter. Ask Jesus' momma. Ask Jesus.

2. She led people. Leading people into a high calling is another thing that sounds wonderful and exciting. I know very little about the community she began in India, but communities are communities. She was dealing with more than feeding the poor. She was dealing with people who wanted to help, sometimes for the right reasons and sometimes not. She was dealing with clashing egos and agendas. She was dealing with well-meaning people who wanted her to expand her ministry, change her ministry, or who wanted to be attached to it in unhealthy ways.

How many young men and women have gone into a church vocation only to discover that church employees (even ministers, priests, nuns, and monks) never got their "get-sanctified- free" card? Even in the church she had to be dealing with difficult community and personality issues.

3. She was genuine. I've heard that Mother Teresa was a big fan of right wing dictators and that she was not afraid to say that. Apparently she didn't feel the need to manage her image for people like me. Imagine that. If she was honest, then she was unafraid to say that she had doubts--even if those doubts persisted to the end of her life.

4. The Nature of Life. Let's face it, doubts are a part of life. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either lying or has never been tested. Doubts fuel scientific advancements (scientists doubt established norms all the time, that's why agreed upon theories and "facts" keep changing). Every scientist is a doubter--that doesn't mean he or she no longer believes in science.

I couldn't help but wonder if the media would make such a big deal if a well known atheist had admitted to some doubt about atheism before he died. Probably not. I wouldn't be surprised to discover, though, that atheists have doubts before they die and that those doubts are every bit as agonizing at Mother Teresa's doubts.

I'm sure we'll learn more about the nature of her doubts in the future. Me thinks it is possible that the news stories are a little more fantastic than her actual doubts. I suspect that once her book is released we'll all say, "Wow. Those Roman Catholics sure know how to sell a book!"